"Basketball Paul"
Rob Diener
EXT. PARK
PAUL and his GIRLFRIEND are in the midst of a romantic walk.
They stop at a scenic spot as Paul works up the nerve to say
something important.
GIRLFRIEND
It's so perfect here.
PAUL
Yeah, it's... Look, there's
something I need to tell you.
GIRLFRIEND
What?
PAUL
You know how... you know how I've
been playing basketball every
Sunday for, like, three years?
GIRLFRIEND
Yeah...
PAUL
I've decided to join the NBA.
GIRLFRIEND
The huh?
PAUL
This is it. This is the right
decision for me. I'm sure of it.
GIRLFRIEND
And you're just gonna... walk up
and join?
PAUL
(defensive)
I'm consistently one of the top two
or three guys in our pick-up games.
I'm not just some jerk off the
street.
GIRLFRIEND
Okay.
PAUL
Huh?
GIRLFRIEND
Okay. I support your decision. I
believe in you.
PAUL
What is that supposed to mean?
GIRLFRIEND
It means... I... support you.
PAUL
Why wouldn't you support me?
GIRLFRIEND
I don't...
PAUL
Are you saying this is a stupid
idea?
GIRLFRIEND
No, I...
PAUL
And now you're just trying to get
credit or something by showing how
special and caring you are by
standing beside me despite my
clearly insane delusions? Well to
hell with you, lady. Now that I'm
in the NBA, the honeys are gonna be
lined up around the block, begging
me to impregnate them.
He turns his back and proudly walks away. GIRLFRIEND starts
to say something, but lets it go. She is clearly not
devastated by this turn of events.
CUT TO:
INT. COACH'S OFFICE
We are in the office of the COACH of the Atlanta Hawks (or
Milwaukee Bucks). He is, more or less, a basketball coach.
PAUL casually enters from outside and walks up to the desk.
The coach looks at him in disbelief.
PAUL
I want to play for your team.
The cigar dribbles out of the coach's mouth as he stares at
Paul, looking like he might attack, then softening all of a
sudden.
COACH
Well, hell. I like your gumption.
We could use a fella like you for
the big game. Tomorrow afternoon,
versus State, for the division
championship. Are you gonna be
ready?
PAUL
State?
COACH
State. The dirtiest team in the
league. Some folks say their guys
go to the Philippines during the
off-season for illegal elbow
sharpening surgery.
PAUL gulps.
PAUL
S-s-surgery?
COACH
Yeah. And when I say they do it
during the off-season, I mean the
basketball off-season, and not the
Filipino tourist off-season.
(ominously)
There's no such thing in the
Philippines.
PAUL gulps again, weakly, so he drinks some water, gulping
majestically this time.
COACH (CONT'D)
So, are you in or out, dollface?
PAUL gathers himself proudly, if not a little effeminately.
PAUL
Just give me the ball.
CUT TO:
INT. BASKETBALL ARENA
The clock reads 0:08. The Hawks (or Bucks) are beating State
by one, 100-99. It is a timeout. The team is in a huddle,
preparing for their big defensive stand. PAUL tugs on the
COACH's jacket. COACH looks around, confused, and finds
PAUL.
COACH
Huh? Who the balls are you?
PAUL
I'm... I'm Paul. Remember, earlier
in your office, you signed me to
your team.
COACH
Oh, right. So whatdya want? This
is our last timeout, for the love
of balls.
PAUL
Will you put me in?
COACH assesses the situation.
COACH
Hightower?
HIGHTOWER, the biggest guy on the team, responds:
HIGHTOWER
Yeah?
COACH
You're coming out. I'm subbing in
this fruit.
PAUL shrugs and smiles as if to say "what can you do?", then
joins the huddle.
COACH (CONT'D)
All right, this is our last stand
here. If they score, we lose.
PAUL
Who am I guarding?
COACH points to a State player, an even bigger guy than
Hightower.
COACH
Him.
PAUL
(overwhelmed)
Superstar Jackson?
Things get spacey momentarily, but PAUL quickly snaps to
attention in time to join the huddle thing were everyone puts
their hands together and says in unison
TEAM
Yaaaaaay, basketball!
The buzzer sounds, the whistle blows, and the ball is passed
to SUPERSTAR, who drives powerfully, with only PAUL between
him and the basket. PAUL loses his focus and looks down.
PAUL
Oh look, someone painted lines on
the floor.
SUPERSTAR JACKSON comes at him, and at the moment of impact
we
DISSOLVE (OR
WHATEVER) TO
WHITE, THEN
DISSOLVE BACK TO
INT. HOSPITAL
PAUL comes to, horribly weak, a doctor leaning over him.
PAUL
What... what's going on?
DOCTOR
Well there's good news and bad
news.
PAUL
I think I want the good news.
DOCTOR
The good news is that Superstar
Jackson was called for an offensive
foul on the play that...
(grave)
... also resulted in your spinal
column snapping in half.
PAUL
Is that... is that the bad news?
DOCTOR
No, your team hit both free throws
and wrapped up the victory.
PAUL
(weak, but happy)
Yay!
DOCTOR
The bad news is that you've
technically been dead for about an
hour and a half. You're basically
just running on fumes right now.
PAUL
(dejected)
Oh.
DOCTOR
They've probably already started
digging your grave.
PAUL
(proud, then dejected
again)
Hey, could you at least show a
little respect to... to the dead, I
guess.
DOCTOR
Unless you're being cremated, in
which case I'm just about certain
the flames are already lapping at
the inside of that chamber. Takes
a little while to get that bad boy
heated up just right. Of course,
me, I've arranged to have my
remains dumped in the woods, so
that my beloved wolves may sup upon
my mortal flesh, and only then may
I be reborn unto--
He notices that PAUL is dead. He starts to walk out, then
turns to look at PAUL one last time. He shakes his head
sadly.
DOCTOR (CONT'D)
Another poor sucker too weak-willed
to conquer death. Will they never
learn?
He walks off forlornly to the sound of a plaintive saxophone,
or rather the sound of plaintive saxophone music.
THE END
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