"GOSSIP COLUMNIST"
INT. APARTMENT - COMPUTER AREA
LARRY is pecking away slowly, deep in thought, when STUART
comes in.
STUART
Whatcha writin'?
LARRY
(distracted)
Oh, I'm a gossip columnist now.
It's a whole thing. This lady
died, and it was in her will. It's
not really worth getting into right
now.
STUART
Oh. Mind if I stand here and watch
you type?
LARRY
Whatever floats your shit, dude.
(sort of muttering as he
slowly types)
Spotted: Dapper dish Lola
Fontanilla, wading in a river and
supping on uncooked salmon she
caught with her hands like a bear.
STUART
There's no such person as Lola
Fontanilla.
LARRY turns around, pissed.
LARRY
I'm working.
STUART
You can't just make stuff up.
LARRY
The people want glamor, Stuart.
Names are just a distraction from
the real truth.
STUART
The truth about made-up people
eating fish like a bear.
LARRY
Partly that, yes. Now let me get
back to work?
STUART
Fine. I was going out anyway.
Gotta go pick up a case of
chlamydia, if you catch my drift.
LARRY
Yeah, good. I hope you die from
it.
STUART
Yeah? I hope you...
He can't think of anything.
STUART (CONT'D)
Jerk.
STUART storms out, leaving LARRY to his gossiping.
LARRY
(typing)
Was that hunky Bronklin von Demon
we saw strangling a washroom
attendant to death Tuesday night at
the swanky Golden Vagina
gentlemen's club? Hmm...
LARRY strokes his chin in contemplation when GUS bursts in,
waving a pair of concert tickets.
GUS
I knew The Phrase That Pays! I won
the tickets!
LARRY
Dude. I'm working. I'm a gossip
columnist now. I'm syndicated to
125 newspapers across the country.
I'm an extremely important person.
GUS
Dude! Messina and Oates! Your two
favorites, playing together, for a
one-time only show, for an intimate
audience of just us!
LARRY
(disgusted)
You don't know me at all. Messina
and Oates. You know perfectly
well... No, you should know
perfectly well that if it was
Loggins and Hall, I'd kill my own
mother to see it, even if there was
no reason to kill her. But those
two? Yuck. I have work to do, so
shut up.
GUS
Geez. You're a grumpy Gertrude.
LARRY
(ignoring him, typing
again)
Are those wedding bells I hear for
sexy new grandma Vonda Vavoom and
steamy dreamdish Hunk Manface, or
do I just have a severe inner ear
infection? Only my doctor knows
for sure...
GUS
(concerned)
You have an inner ear infection?
LARRY
I'm trying to work.
GUS
This could be serious. An inner
ear infection is nothing to laugh
at. It's not even remotely funny.
No one would find that funny...
LARRY
(interrupting, slightly
guilty)
I... I don't have an inner ear
infection. It's just something I
wrote for my column.
GUS
You shouldn't lie in the newspaper.
That's a civic trust you're
violating.
LARRY
It's not lying.
GUS
So you're telling the truth?
LARRY
Yes. The made-up truth.
GUS
I can't... I can't watch you do
this to our society. I'm calling
the police.
LARRY gets up from the desk as GUS moves toward the phone.
LARRY
I can't let you do that.
GUS
(near tears)
Can't is not a word in my language!
LARRY pulls a gun.
LARRY
Is this a word in your language?
LARRY shoots GUS.
LARRY (CONT'D)
Bang, I shoot you!
GUS drops to the ground, dead. LARRY drops the gun in
horror.
LARRY (CONT'D)
Oh my God. What have I done? What
am I gonna do?
I'm gonna have to eat the body.
But what happens when people ask
what happened to him? I'm gonna
have to kill everyone who knew him,
and then everyone who knew them...
He breaks down, slumps to his knees.
LARRY (CONT'D)
(crying, or thereabouts)
Where am I gonna find the time?
Just then, STUART returns.
STUART
(shouting from the
doorway)
Hey! Things didn't work out!
Turns out I'm impotent!
STUART enters the crime scene.
LARRY
Don't come in!
It's too late, though. LARRY has no choice but point the gun
at STUART. STUART puts his hands up, trying to stay in
control of the situation.
STUART
You don't want to do that.
LARRY
(shaky, in tears)
Why?
STUART
I'm a very popular person. People
will ask questions.
LARRY
I already killed Gus.
STUART
I can see that, and I'm sure I'll
miss him. But probably nobody else
will. Now--
We see the LARRY is getting closer and closer to pulling the
trigger.
STUART (CONT'D)
Okay. Just hear me out, okay?
LARRY sniffles and nods yes.
STUART (CONT'D)
(very, very calmly)
Okay. I'm pretty sure, if the two
of us work together, we can
probably eat just about all of him
in as few as two or three days.
We'll just have to eat him for
breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and
we'll have to eat big portions,
like big boys, okay?
LARRY
(sniffling)
Okay.
STUART
Now come give me a hug.
LARRY runs over and gives STUART a big, enthusiastic hug,
which lingers, on both sides, a little too long.
STUART (CONT'D)
Now let's get out the cookbook!
I'm starving!
LARRY
Me too!
BOTH
Yay!
And they skip off toward the kitchen. We close on a stark,
chilling shot of GUS's lifeless face.
The end!
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